The Army Wife

When you hear your babies first “pain cry,” it’ll make your heart drop to your feet. We took Hannah yesterday to her two month appointment. She is doing great. She has nasal congestion still (going on seven weeks now), her hips move great, she is strengthening her arms, and her weight is great. Hannah does have an umbilical hernia. We were told to watch it, if it gets hard to go to the emergency room immediately. If it doesn’t heal by the time she is four years old, she will have to have surgery. Lets all pray that it will heal on its own.

First, let me explain the difference between adjusted age and birth age. This is is very hard to explain to some people. Since Hannah was four weeks early, she has an adjusted age and a birth age. Her birth age is nine weeks, since she was born on December 31st. But, she wasn’t suppose to be born until January 24th, so her adjusted age is five weeks. She didn’t have enough time in the womb to fully develop. She weighed 9lbs 4oz and 21 inches long, this is in a 3rd percentile for weight and 0 percentile for height – according to her birth age. When you look at her adjusted age (5 weeks) her weight and height is right on target. Now, we don’t know if this means she’ll crawl later, be able to roll over a month late, or when she’ll be able to start solids. We just go by her birth age and when she falls behind on charts, we take the adjusted age into consideration.

Anywho, Hannah had her shots yesterday. Two shots in one leg, one shot in the other. I had my husband with me, because I know I couldn’t handle it by myself. The nurse poked her in the leg hard and fast. Hannah held her breath, her face turned red, but there was no sounds. All of a sudden, there was a scream and the saddest cry you could ever hear. The nurse tried to hurry with the other two, but Hannah was already miserable. When the shots were complete, her daddy picked her up and put her near his chest. She buried her face into his chest and let out cries we never heard before. She cried all day yesterday – in pain. We gave her Tylenol, lots of cuddles, and let her sleep as long as she wanted. She didn’t eat yesterday, which left us concerned for dehydration, but she’s eating a little bit today. We now know the difference between her “I’m hungry” cries and her “I’m in pain, help me!!!” cries. I never want to hear her pain cries again.

My husband and I talked about it, it was the first time she felt pain. We know there will be many other times, but she doesn’t know what that pain is. She just knows something hurts somewhere and she wants it gone. I was thinking, it’s going to hurt her when she has her first earache, toothache, and headache. She doesn’t know what these pains are and what to do with them. My heart aches for her and I wish I could help her to avoid any type of pain. My husband made the statement yesterday, “If any boy every makes her cry..I WILL KILL HIM!”

My husband informed me last night that there will be a three day weekend next weekend for army recruiters. Not because they met quota, or not because they are doing an “awesome job.” An army recruiter attempted suicide. I am not sure of the condition of the recruiter, or if he is still alive. My heart goes out to his family and his co-workers. According to an article provided by Enterprise, there have been 160 reported active-duty Army suicides in 2009. I am not sure what is going on in the military for there to be such a huge number of suicides. I think the military needs to be investigating station commanders, people in charge, and doing an internal investigation in the workplace. I thank the Lord that my husband has a wonderful station commander. I am thankful that she doesn’t put too much pressure on her soldiers, that she makes their home life and their work life somewhat stress free. My heart is aching right now and I just ask that you keep the family members, friends, and co-workers of these soldiers in your prayers.

Hannah is going to be an early walker, well in my opinion. From day one she has been stout in her legs. When you lift her up in the air she’ll make her legs straight where they won’t budge. Then she’ll start to move them one in front of the other. I think she will be an early crawler, too. I say this because when she was five days old we have a video of her and her daddy and she looks like she’s crawling in the air. Her daddy is supporting her body and she’s just moving those little legs super fast. This kind of scares me, because I don’t want her to grow up so fast. I don’t want her to start running at 11 months old and I never be able to catch up with her. But, to prepare her for her pre-walking stages, we have had the opportunity to review Umi Shoes for our little girl. She wasn’t able to fit in them just yet. Not only are they super cute with awesome colors for little girls (and boys too!), but they are designed to grow with her ever expanding feet. My favorite thing about the Umi Shoes is the soft soles, they aren’t like regular shoes you would buy from Wal-Mart (the hard ones that leave marks on their little feet). Although, Umi Shoes are a little pricey, you are paying for comfortability and stability during the most critical stages. When your little one learns how to walk, the shoes she/he wears are the most important aspect in their first steps. Umi shoes run around $35.00 for the baby shoes, which is what I pay for my own tennis shoes. I was thinking the other day when we received the shoes, how big of a blessing it was and how we would so buy them ourselves. If we can spend $35.00 on ourselves for us to be comfortable we can do the same for our little girl. Whether Hannah starts walking at 8 months or 15 months, we are blessed with the perfect shoes to get her started.

Other than receiving a free sample of the product from Umi, I was not paid for any of the opinions or reviews expressed on this blog.

I had my first appointment with my Psych last week. I called her my “Psych” because she’s all knowing. She knows EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING. She can diagnose a person within 5 minutes of meeting them, but she won’t tell you what your problem is. She knows when you are lying, she knows when you are hiding something, and she knows what your future holds depending upon your past life. I would have to say, I felt 100% more depressed after leaving my appointment than I did walking into her office. I hate going to see a Psychologist. Not only do they want to talk about everything that is going on in your life, they want to bring up your past. The past you have blocked out of your mind for years, the past that makes you emotionally exhausted when you talk about it, the past you won’t to throw in a fireplace and burn. She made me talk about that past. I was so torn up when I left her office. She made me feel like I had no life by the questions she asked:

Psych: What do you do for a living?

Me: I stay at home with Hannah.

Psych: What are your hobbies?

Me: I don’t have any, really.

Psych: Do you have any friends?

Me: Back at home, but here ..not really. One.

Psych: Do you and your husband have a social life?

Me: Not really. We just hang out with each other.

Psych: Hmm.

Me: Yeah.

Psych: What does your husband do?

Me: He’s in the army, we move around a lot.

Psych: Hmmm. *takes notes*

Me: Yeah

Psych: Well, you are not going to survive in this world without friends.

Me: *thinking: i know that*

It’s not that I don’t want friends, don’t get me wrong. But my husband and I move every three years. We are now in a place where there is hardly any army couples. We are on recruiter duty, there are 8 people total in his office, so 6-7 wives. Most of the wives are from around here, so they already have their friends and their family and aren’t in need of anymore people in their lives. So, I am left with a select number of wives to be friends with. This is why we are going to church, to make friends (well, of course be in the house of the Lord) and get to know people–other than army related.

Anywho, the appointment wasn’t too successful. She didn’t tell me how to cope with anything. She didn’t explain how to deal with my anxiety/depression. She just asked how I dealt with it and I told her with my Lexapro. She didn’t diagnose me, she didn’t focus on one subject, she had me all over the place. Hannah had to eat, then the Psych interrupted her feeding and told us it was time to wrap things up and I had to leave. AWKWARD sitaution when you have to burp your daughter, she’s still starving, and you have to take her out to the car to finish a feeding.

One thing I hate about Psychologists: THEY ARE ON A TIME LIMIT. If you get 50 minutes (10 for paperwork), you will only get those 50 minutes. You will not get one second over…so you better talk fast! I hope the next appointment is more successful than the last one.

If you have been reading this blog for awhile, you know I am all about organic/natural products in our house. We clean with all natural products, we try to eat organic foods (some just taste funny) and we buy organic products (sheets, pillow cases, etc). We have been using organic products on Hannah since she was born. We use organic baby wipes, organic diapers, and even organic baby washes, lotions, and shampoos. I wanted to go one extra step and get an organic mattress for her. My husband and I looked in stores around our hometown and couldn’t find any baby mattresses, so we turned to the internet. We discovered Naturepedic, which not only has baby/toddler mattresses, but twin, full, and even queen. Now, I am going to be honest with you, the price isn’t cheap for an organic crib mattress. Sure, you can walk into Wal-Mart and get a crib mattress for $30-$89. That is exactly what we did, we bought a Sealy Crib Mattress for $89 at Wal-Mart and she has only slept in her crib during the day. We did research on the Naturepedic crib mattresses, started a budget, and was in the process of purchasing one ourselves. I contacted Naturepedic months ago, before Hannah was even born to see if they would be interested in a review. About a week ago, Naturepedic contacted me back and said they would be interested in a review on The Army Wife. This is a huge blessing to us and we thank God for such a wonderful gift.

We were excited when we received the mattress in the mail. At first, we didn’t think it would fit in our crib, because it looked too big. But after comparing the width/length of our old mattress with the Naturepedic No-Compromise Organic Ultra Mattress, we knew it had to fit. My husband forced the mattress into the crib and surprise, it fit perfectly, it just had a snugger fit than our previous mattress. The Naturepedic mattress is made with square corners, for a tighter fit, we don’t have to worry about Hannah getting stuck in between the mattress and the crib any. We love all the features about the mattress:

Hypoallergenic
Firm Support
Organic Cotton Filling (chemical free *thumbs up*)
Fire Protection
Waterproof (thank goodness, she pees a lot)

The mattress has a waterproof coating, so we didn’t have to put our mattress protector on it. But not only is it waterproof, it is stain resistant. Hannah is a spitter, she loves to throw up her lunch hours after eating. We don’t have to worry about any spit-up stains or poo stains on her mattress.

Now, lets talk about the price. The price is higher than most traditional mattresses. But, I want to weigh the pros and cons with you. First off, you aren’t going to find anything organic cheap. Companies put a lot of effort into making products organic and the process isn’t cheap. Secondly, you are buying the best for your baby. The mattress is organic, hypoallergenic, firm, fire protected, waterproof, and absolutely comfortable for your little one. Okay, do you remember purchasing your mattress? You wanted comfortability, right? You wanted something durable, reliable, and with a great warranty. We did. We spent over a thousand dollars for our mattress and it’s not even organic or waterproof. We had to buy a waterproof protector for our mattress. Think about your baby/infant. You are going to want the same for him/her. You are going to want a durable, reliable, comfortable mattress with an awesome warranty, right? I am guessing that $359, or $399 doesn’t sound so bad after all!

Hannah slept on her Naturepedic mattress for one day and she didn’t wake up once (well, except for feedings). I can’t say that this is because of the mattress, but she hasn’t done that before in her crib. We would’ve let her sleep in there more than one day if our crib wasn’t RECALLED!!!! Yes, we just found out our crib was recalled and we are pretty devastated about it. We thought we had the perfect crib, but we soon discovered that nothing can be perfect. We are now waiting on replacement parts for our crib. Once we receive the replacement parts, we are going to be transitioning Hannah into her crib with her new mattress.

Other than receiving a free sample of the product from Naturepedic, I was not paid for any of the opinions or reviews expressed on this blog. Since we were blessed with a donation of a mattress from Naturepedic we donated our Sealy mattress to a neighbor who is expecting her first child.

Breastfeeding is hard. I am not going to lie. Not only do you have to worry about sore/cracked nipples and your baby latching right, but you have to worry about nursing in public. To some, this may come easy. If you feel comfortable with your body and you feel comfortable breastfeeding in public, kudos to you! Me, on the other hand, I had difficulties nursing in public. I remember the first time I had to breastfeed outside of my home. My husband and I were at Olive Garden, of all places. Luckily, we got a booth in the very back where only a few tables were facing us. My husband was nervous and I was nervous. I got out my nursing cover put it on, got out the nipple shield, took out my nursing pads, got Hannah and put her underneath the nursing cover. Once I had her positioned under the cover, I pulled down my shirt, aligned the nipple shield (which takes forever) and started feeding her. This sounds simple when I write it all down, but it’s not. First off, a nursing cover is designed to cover you and your baby. The smallest movement will move the nursing cover exposing assets that you don’t want others to see. Also, if you don’t have the right shirt on, you will be lifting up your shirt under the nursing cover. The nursing cover is not designed to hide the mommy belly or all those purple/red stretch marks. After a few tries, I started to master the nursing cover. I realized I needed to have Hannah in my arms before even putting the nursing cover on, it made things less difficult and I wasn’t exposing my breasts to everyone anymore. I knew there had to be a simpler way to breastfeed in public, to give mom and baby comfort. Hannah is only 8lbs, but after holding her for over an hour feeding, my arms gets tired, my back starts to ache and I start to get physically worn down. I contacted Belly Fish when I was 28 weeks pregnant, because I was very intrigued by their product. Belly Fish is a stylish nursing cover and a pillow in one. After having Hannah and going through our unsuccessful public nursings, I recontacted Belly Fish and asked if they would be interested in a product review. A huge blessing entered my house when my Belly Fish arrived. I was able to nurse Hannah with a nipple shield privately. I didn’t have to worry about a nursing cover falling to the side, or being moved. The nursing covers on the Belly Fish stays in place and has adjustable straps on both sides, depending on which side I was nursing Hannah. Since you have to switch breasts during a nursing session, it was easy to move Hannah from one side to the other. I didn’t have to move the pillow to switch her sides, I just unsnapped one side when I was done nursing and snapped the fabric up on the other side when I was ready to nurse on the opposite side. I, also, didn’t have to worry about exposing the mommy belly too much with the Belly Fish, because the panels hide a lot of skin. I did feel like I was exposing more when I nursed from the top (pulling down my shirt) then I did lifting up my shirt. But, honestly, you get to a point where you don’t care if your stretch marks are showing as long as your baby is being fed. My favorite thing about the Belly Fish was the nursing pillow. The pillow isn’t large like the Boppy (I love my Boppy!) it is more designed to be easy to carry around and wear anywhere. The Boppy isn’t really portable and it’s too bulky to carry in your stroller. The pillow on the Belly Fish relieved the weight off my arm (and neck) and allowed Hannah to lay comfortably. Hannah is a wiggle worm, I’m not sure if I have mentioned that before, she has been since she was in my belly. The Belly Fish has enabled us to have successful, private feedings, without the fear of someone seeing my breasts/nipples. Of course, I still get stared at whether I am wearing a nursing cover or the Belly Fish. Young couples today will point and whisper while you are nursing, older women will smile and wink. Older women know what it’s like to breastfeed, it’s all they did. They will praise you and tell you how wonderful you are for nursing your baby.

In my opinion, if you are breastfeeding, you should ask your husband or family member to buy you a Belly Fish. It will be a lifesaver for you and your little bug.

Other than receiving a free sample of the product from Belly Fish, I was not paid for any of the opinions or reviews expressed on this blog.

I get asked a lot for pictures of Hannah, which is flattering. My husband and I decided as a couple we wouldn’t display pictures of Hannah all over the net. Now, I don’t want anyone to get offended by this post, as I know some parents do put pictures of their children on the internet. It’s a personal decision and I will respect yours if you will respect mine. There are two main reasons why I won’t: men are disgusting pigs and women are evil bitches. Okay, let me explain.

1.) Men are disgusting pigs. No, not all men. But there is a group of men who linger around the internet and “get off” by looking at little children. You will call these men “Pedophiles.” I call them scum bags. I just cannot stand the thought of someone coming to my website to look at Hannah, it makes me want to vomit.

2.) Women are evil bitches. I discovered when I became a mom that other moms are cruel. Women have a desire to compete, especially when it comes to their children. I don’t like playing the “comparison game,” nor will I allow people to do so with Hannah. All babies are unique, just like pregnant bellies. Women need to understand that babies grow differently, adjust differently, and succeed in milestones at different ages.

Those are the two main reasons. If you see a picture of Hannah on the internet, my husband and I made a joint decision to place it on the internet. There will be no pictures of first baths, her in a diaper, naked photos, etc. I have never agreed with pictures being placed on the internet exposing children in the nude. It’s too dangerous.

I don’t care to talk about Hannah on here, as it is a personal outlet and a way for me to keep up with her milestones and to connect with other moms. She changes daily and I want to always remember everything that went on in her life. I do keep information to a minimum and I don’t give out private detailed information about my family.

I know my decision to not place photos on The Army Wife can affect readership, but readership means nothing to me when it comes to exposing my child to Pedophiles and cruelty.

I know when I finish this post I am going to be judged by others, mostly some friends. But, before I decided to write this post, I thought long and hard about whether I should write it or not. I came to the conclusion that people need to know that Postpartum Depression is real and anyone can suffer from it. I have Postpartum Depression. I knew I would get it before I even had Hannah. I had clinical depression and panic disorder before getting pregnant. During pregnancy, I didn’t have any depression/anxiety symptoms and was keeping my fingers crossed that I would never get it again. I did.

The day I had Hannah I cried over everything, not being able to feel her in my belly, not feeling her kick, and missing her hiccups. This lasted for a few days, which I knew was the baby blues. At home, things were kind of rough. I was breastfeeding and pumping immediately afterward for 15 minutes for 14 days straight. One hour of breastfeeding, 15 minutes of pumping, and Hannah was awake again an hour later ready to eat (she was on a 2 hour schedule) and I was getting approximately two hours of sleep a night. I was also getting frustrated because we were having to use a nipple shield. I felt like a failure because my baby couldn’t latch. I continued this for six weeks and during that time, Hannah developed acid reflux where she was projectile vomiting after every feeding. I was now pumping before feedings and adding cereal. I just didn’t have the energy anymore to pump all the time and breastfeed. I started having crying spells, anger, frustration, and couldn’t sleep. I knew I had Postpartum Depression, I just didn’t want to say it out loud (to make it real) or to tell anyone about it.

At my six week postpartum checkup, I was excited to go to the doctor. I wanted to pour my feelings out and get some medication. I had already made an appointment with a Psychologist, now I just needed the medicines. I was checked down there, told everything looks okay. Given the “ok” to have sex. By the way, who wants to? Seriously, I mean after delivering a baby and bleeding for six weeks (still am), sex doesn’t even cross my mind. And the fact that I am super terrified of not only it being painful but us getting pregnant again. I am on Depo Provera, I got the shot before I left the hospital, but still. I feel like once you have a baby you are Fertile Mertile and I don’t want to be popping babies out left and right. Anywho, I talked to her about the Postpartum Depression, she asked me to take this “quiz” to see if I was depressed. I failed it, she was like “Oh you are definitely depressed and you need medication!” Finally, an answer to all my prayers.

I am now on Lexapro 10mg every night. I sleep better and I feel better. Although it has only been five days since I have started it. I am ready to go see the Psychologist and get extra help. I do know that Postpartum Depression is easily treatable and can go away fast. Lets pray that it goes away fast for me.

I know we have all seen the commercials of Nutella. I always cringed when I watched the children eat the Nutella on the toast. I thought to myself, “they are acting like it taste good because they are getting paid hundreds (maybe thousands) of dollars to promote the product.” My husband had a wild hair one day to go buy Nutella. Since we have brought Nutella into our household, it has taken over our taste buds. It’s a little sticky, but totally worth the mess. I have a new reason to wake up every morning and enjoy a couple of pieces of toast.

I am looking for some new blogs to read, as I have been reading review blogs for months now and missing out on my personal blog buddies . If you have a blog, or know of a blog you would like to share with me, please feel free to let me know about it. I am working on a favorite blogs/reads page

I have never been the materialistic type of girl. I would buy one to two hand bags a year and I have the same shoes I had since I was in high school (even the same clothes). I have been carrying around the same purse for over a year. My husband bought me a really nice Guess purse for Christmas and it was my favorite. I don’t like to spend a lot of money on accessories, so I never purchased another one. But, when I was tired of the Guess purse, I just stuck it in the closet and pulled out a purse I was using two years prior. My husband must have noticed this because he came home one day with my Valentines Day present, although it was three weeks early. When I seen the Dillards bag, I knew what was inside: A COACH PURSE! Okay, most of you may own Coach purses, but this is a huge deal for me. I (myself) wouldn’t pay more than $50 for a purse. I have always wanted a Coach purse, I just never told my husband. They are just too expensive for me. My lovely husband, who loves me so much, went and bought me one and picked it out himself. I loved it, it was pink and flashy. The only problem was the material. I am a little rough on purses and the material was a satin type. Therefore, I returned the purse and picked out one that had a different type of material and more of myself. It’s flashy, cute, and young. I like to feel young even though I am a mom now. The Coach purse I picked out is brand new, was just put on the shelves and I’m obsessed with it.

The purse is from the Poppy Collection and fits my style and personality. I just want to thank my husband for spoiling me with something I have secretly always wanted.

For Valentines Day, my husband actually has a four day weekend, so we will be spending a lot of time together. We are going to Blowing Rock, NC because I want to go to the Tanger Outlets and look for a Coach wallet to go with the purse. Dillards was sold out of wallets. Now, I just need to get him something super awesome in return and I don’t have any clue what that would be.

Our little girl has reflux. I knew she had it since she was two weeks old. I discovered she had it after talking to Amanda about all of her symptoms. I have taken Hannah to the doctor twice over her vomiting. She doesn’t spit up, she VOMITS. It’s forceful, comes out of her nose, and she always looks like she’s in pain. There are four doctors at her pediatric office, we seen three guys. Each one of them told me I just had a laundry problem. After our visit to Kentucky, I noticed it was getting worse. I thought it was my breast feeding, so I went to the lactation consultant. She watched Hannah eat and watched how she was acting and told me that she had G.E.R.D. I explained to her that I had contacted the doctor’s office plenty of times and they just keep saying “let it pass, wait two weeks, you have a laundry problem.” Finally, I got fed up with being “brushed off” so I made an appointment yesterday.

I seen a woman, women are much more sympathetic. Although, she did bring in a graph paper to show me that Hannah was gaining weight perfectly (weighing 7lbs5oz). I knew they were going to do this, they keep telling me if she has her wet/poopy diapers, she is fine. Well, the only reason Hannah is gaining weight and having the recommended amount of diapers is because I am feeding her every hour to every hour and a half. Her belly is always getting milk. Here is how the conversation went:

Doctor: How is Ms. Hannah doing today?

Me: She is still vomiting and I have brought her in the office with this before. It’s just a real concern now.

Doctor: She’s gaining weight perfectly. Is she having wet diapers and poopy diapers?

Me: Yes and the only reason she’s gaining weight is because I’m doing nonstop feeding. I am not getting any sleep and neither is she.

Doctor: Well, let’s check her out.

Me: *picks Hannah up, she vomits everywhere (thanks Hannah for vomiting)*

Doctor: Oh wow, that’s a lot. Well, it looks like your daughter has reflux. My daughter had it. I am going to give her Zantac.

Me: THANK YOU!

We got the prescription filled and I was more than happy to shoot that medicine into her mouth. Although, Hannah hates the medicine. It smells like peppermints and she gags when you put it in her mouth. But, after asking other moms how to give medicine. I have discovered that I can squirt it all in her cheek and blow in her face. I am going to try this today to see if it helps with swallowing. I am also going to try to keep her upright, even though at night time it can be a pain when I can’t even see straight. I am going to watch my own diet and do whatever I can for my little girl. I just hope she gets relief soon.

Hannah’s G.E.R.D Symptoms:

*Vomiting (projectile)
*Arching of the back
*Constant crying
*Wet burps
*Gas
*Hiccups

Hannah’s Relief (hopefully):

*Sitting upright
*Changing mom’s diet
*Zantac
*Possibly buying a swing
*Giving her lots of cuddles

My husband and I had to take an emergency leave to Kentucky. His dad is dying from liver cancer. We left on a Thursday night, expecting to arrive within 5 hours. We didn’t realize that having a child will set you back about two hours. Therefore, it took us more than seven hours to travel a four and a half hour trip. Hannah does very well with car trips, which we are excited about. We love to travel and travel a lot. Our dog, Coco, was crying/whining more than Hannah did. She only cried before a feeding and after a feeding when she was fighting her sleep. Of course, feedings take almost an hour at a time because of nursing on both breasts, burps, and diaper changes.

When we arrived in Kentucky, we both had absolutely no sleep and haven’t slept in 24 hours. There were more than ten visitors within a couple of hours of our arrival. It was great to see everyone, but I started to worry about germs. Everyone was playing with her hands, getting into her face, kissing her cheeks. I seriously went into panic mode and made people use hand sanitizer any time they touched her. After a few visitors, we headed up to the hospital an hour and a half away to visit his dad. It was the first time I met his dad, but it was great for him to meet Hannah before he passed away. He broke my heart when he said, “aww, papaws baby!” You see, Hannah won’t have a papaw. My dad passed away when I was 18 years old and Anthony’s dad doesn’t have much longer to live. I wish we could adopt a papaw for her.

After a visit with his dad, we headed back to my mom’s house where we stayed for three more days. We were snowed in due to the crazy snow storm and enjoyed staying cooped up in a bedroom. It was nice being able to sleep while people held her and entertained her, but it was also very nice to come back home. Since having Hannah, everyone tries to tell me how to raise her. I am already set in my ways on how I want things to be done and anyone elses advice goes through one ear and out the other. Of course, I will listen to things I think are important, but when people tell me I am burping my daughter the wrong way – I get heated. After arguing with relatives numerous times, I just came to the conclusion: “you cannot stop people from telling you what to do and how to do it.”

My husband and I were able to go on a date night while we were in Kentucky. We enjoyed a dinner at Applebees while my mom babysat. I really wish we had people around us who we could trust that would babysit Hannah. We do not know anyone here in North Carolina and the people we do know, we don’t feel comfortable leaving Hannah with them. Therefore, we soaked up the opportunity to have a nice dinner with one another, because we probably won’t have another one for months.

All in all, the trip with Hannah was great. She is a wonderful traveler and I cannot wait to go on more adventures with her. Hopefully I will not have to tackle those adventures without the husband.

It is hard to believe it has been a month since I have given birth. Time truly flies by when you’re a mom taking care of a newborn. I cannot believe how fast it has been. Hannah has changed so much since day one. I remember the first week when she was always sleepy, having to wake her to feed, her little body on a biliblanket and sleeping comfortably in her pack ‘n play bassinet. Now, at one month old, she awakes when she’s hungry, she stays awake while she eats, and she will not sleep anywhere but our bed. I know. I was one of those people who were all, “my baby is never sleeping with us, that is our bed not hers!” Well, after you spend nights (for many days) trying to get her to sleep anywhere, you will do anything. She sleeps so peacefully and so much longer when she sleeps in my arms. Having her to sleep with us scares me. I am terrified of suffocating her, rolling over on her, or putting the covers over her little face. So far, everything has been okay. I am hoping within the next couple of weeks she will get used to sleeping in her bassinet again. I am too afraid to move her to her crib, it’s too far away right now (although the room is connected to ours) and I just feel way more comfortable having her sleeping in a room with us. I will be moving her to her crib when she’s around 12 weeks of age, only two more months to go.

Although, her sleeping in her crib would be like..the perfect idea. Her nursery is fully equipped with everything I need to be comfortable while I breastfeed. Right now, I just feed her in the bed and my back aches while doing so. The nursery has this super awesome comfortable glider, I am just too lazy in the middle of the night to go in there and prep everything for a feeding. Once this nipple shield is thrown out the window (literally) I will be more willing to go sit in her nursery with her.

In the one month Hannah has been home, I have gotten frustrated/upset more than I thought I would. You see, girls pee on themselves too when you change their diapers. It’s not just a boy thing. Of course, it doesn’t’ shoot up in the air and land on her face or anything. Instead, it pours everywhere and when you pick her up she is soaked in pee all the way to her hair. Then, you have to take her to the sink and wash her off, because who lets their baby lay in pee? Here is usually how a diaper change goes:

*Take off dirty diaper
*She screams
*Clean her up
*She starts peeing
*Clean the pee up
*Put fresh diaper on
*While putting fresh diaper on..
*She poops, IN YOUR HAND
*You clean up the poop on your hand
*Clean her up
*Put another fresh diaper on

We go through about 2-3 diapers at a time during a diaper change alone. Not to mention the diapers we go through during her little “wet fart” spells, which happens about 100x a day.

So, yes, I do get a little frustrated from time to time. I cry, I scream, I go to the bedroom and yell. But in the end, when I am holding my little girl, I always sit and think “how could I ever get so frustrated with you?” She’s just a baby, she doesn’t know what she’s doing, she doesn’t even know what’s going on. I try to imagine how she feels. She was comfortable in mommy’s womb for 36 weeks, she was taken out, thrown into this crazy world where it gets cold at nights, where she has cold wet wipes placed on her bottom in the middle of the night, where feeding is a task in itself, where dogs bark all day long, and where her little nose has to be suctioned on a daily basis. It’s just as hard for her as it is for me.

Hannah,

You are a sensitive girl, just like your mom. You are over dramatic, you cry when nothing is wrong with you. You are demanding, when you want something you want it right then and there – even if we have no idea what it is. You love to be held, tucked away in your mommy’s arms or on your daddy’s chest. You feel everything, even the slightest touch. You are sensitive to light and smell. You dislike for your feet to be covered up, you hate blankets. You will not take a pacifier, but you love sucking on your little fists. When you have tummy aches, we rub your belly to make the pain go away. You break our hearts when you make the pouty face during your sleep. You lighten our lives when you smile, even if it is just gas. When you hurt, we hurt. You have already taught us so much in life and you have only been here four weeks. You have taught us to trust in God more, to be patient, to have strength, and that it’s okay for us to cry too. We love you and even though we may get frustrated from time to time, we’re still learning and we still have a long way to go. We will look back on the first four weeks one day and laugh, realizing how easy it was.

Love,

Mommy

After passing up the exit and having to turn around, we finally made it to the hospital. Thanks to my mom’s handicap parking permit, we had front door access. I am still wearing the clothes that are wet from my water breaking, as I’m wobbling to the elevator. Once I reach Labor & Delivery, I tell them my name, get my bracelet, and head straight to the room. I take off my clothes, put on the hospital gown, pee in a cup, and wait for the nurse to check me. The nurse checks for amniotic fluid with a strip and come to find out, my water didn’t break! I just peed on myself. Yes, PEE! I was walking around with pee on me and had no idea. Anywho, she checked me and she said what I’ve been wanting to hear for a long time “You’re 8cm!”

8CM! My gosh, that means only two more centimeters and I will be pushing. Wait, pushing! I’ll be pushing a human being out of my twat. Oh no. I WANT THAT EPIDURAL AND I WANT IT NOW!

This is what went through my head. You see, I wanted a natural birth. Heck, I’ve gone through the back labor long enough, I can handle it. But, once they told me I was 8 and I knew I couldn’t wait too long for it, I started to demand it ASAP. Although, I was informed by the nurse that it doesn’t work that way. They have to monitor contractions, take blood, etc. Fun, now I wait for two hours for an epidural.

During that waiting time, I felt like I had to poop and freaked out. She checked me and I was now 8-9cm and the pooping sensation was the baby’s head coming down. After two hours of waiting, I finally get the epidural at 8-9cm. The epidural is not painful at all, seriously, the IV was way worse. Of course, I stuffed my head into the pillow (thinking that’s what they told me to do) and couldn’t breathe. The epidural took about 15 minutes, you feel a cold sensation down into your butt and within 20 minutes my legs were numb. I felt fabulous. I felt like I could sleep forever. I didn’t get any sleep though, we were all too excited to sleep. My water still wasn’t broken and I was still concerned about the doctor at home sleeping.

I was informed by my super awesome nurse that doctors like to come in when the baby is crowning. Nurses do absolutely everything doing labor, the doctor basically catches the baby. So, after 10 hours of laying in the bed, my doctor comes. She checks me and I am 9.9cm, so she breaks my water and leaves the room, informing me a new doctor will be coming in. I found out the doctor I was having was the doctor I didn’t like too well, only because she was famous for delivering bad news.

All of a sudden I felt an urge to poop, and I mean to poop bad! This was about 3 minutes after my water broke. The nurse looked down there and said “Yes, start pushing!” I started to push to make Ms. Hannah come through the pelvic area (I’m guessing). I was pushing for an hour and a half before the doctor arrived. I have to say, when I felt like I had to push I wouldn’t say “I have to push!” I would say, “I have to poop!” Or, I’d say, “Ya’ll ready, I have to poop!” POOP was seriously all I could think about, my husband thinks it’s because I have this weird obsession with pooping. I think it’s because the nurse told me it would feel like I had to poop. Either way, the doctor and nurses got a kick out of it. Ironically, I pooped the entire time I was pushing. How could you not poop when you are pushing so hard? I was thankful though, because I was scared of having a bowel movement after delivery.

During labor and pushing, I was twittering, I was texting, and I was making jokes about a Baby Story. I was upset the whole time that the experience was nothing like what they show on a Baby Story. While I pushed, I held my breath, hubby counted, doctor coached and I kept feeling more and more pain. I thought the epidural was suppose to make all the pain go away! I felt my leg, and I COULD ACTUALLY FEEL MY LEG. I started to panic. I was out of epidural medicine. My medicine had ran out three hours prior to pushing and we had no idea because it never beeped. They paged the Anesthesiologist who came in to give me a dose of medicine that would last for an hour. I knew I would have to get this baby out in one hour if I didn’t want to feel anything. But, just to let you know, I felt everything. I discovered that the epidural only helps with contractions and the awful back pain. It did not take the pain away in my vagina. I felt the burning, I felt the pain, and I felt Hannah come out.

Hannah had other ideas. She was stuck for a long time. The way she was positioned, her head wanted to come out seeing the world, instead of crowning like a normal baby. My doctor was wonderful, she assisted Hannah in moving her head, and even did the perineum massage with mineral oil while doing so. Each time I pushed she worked with Hannah’s little head.

After 2 1/2 hours of pushing, Hannah decided to come out. During the last 15 minutes of pushing I was given oxygen. Since I am a very panicky person and the staff knew that, they just told me that the oxygen was a routine procedure. I later discovered that her heartbeat was dropping well below 100. Thank you doctor for not telling me that. Hannah was placed on my chest and cleaned up/suctioned while my doctor worked down there. I didn’t feel the placenta delivered, it happened spontaneously, but the doctor had a problem getting my uterus to clamp. After pushing for so long, I guess my uterus was done for. Therefore, she had to push down on my belly many times to stop the bleeding. I could actually feel the blood pouring down my butt. I even heard her say a few times “we cannot get this to clamp!” And I asked “What happens if it doesn’t clamp?” I was told to pay attention to my baby and not to worry about things going on down there. The uterus was finally clamped after losing a lot of blood and my husband and I enjoyed our baby girl.

Since the doctor massaged me down there while trying to get Hannah’s head to turn, I didn’t tear. No stitches needed for me . I was more than thankful for her kindness in massaging me. Most doctors will not do this, but midwives will.

Hannah was bathed, checked, weighed, and inspected right next to me. She didn’t have to leave the room once. During our hospital stay, she was diagnosed with jaundice, sent home with a biliblanket, had trouble breastfeeding, sent home with nipple shields, passed a 2 1/2 hour car seat test, and was given the A-Ok from a pediatrician.

I have so much I want to tell you pregnant women out there, but I am going to save it for the next story, “The Aftermath!” You will definitely need to read this, especially if you want the truth.

When people ask me how long I was in labor for, I like to tell them seven weeks. Seven long, painful weeks. I was put on bed rest at 29 weeks of pregnancy due to pre-term labor. I had no idea I was in pre-term labor, I just felt back pain and crampy sensations – like a period. After spending six hours in a hospital bed with contractions two minutes apart, I was put on the strict bed rest. I was only allowed to shower, pee/poo, and eat. Try telling someone this when they have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder when it comes to having a spic and span house.

When people ask me when true labor start, I tell them around 34 weeks of pregnancy. At my 34 week exam I was 3cm 80% effaced and was told I would have my baby over the weekend. Baby never came, I was left miserable. At 35 weeks, I was told I was 3cm 90% effaced and was given a growth ultrasound because my belly wasn’t measuring right. Come to find out, our little Hannah was measuring behind and another ultrasound was scheduled to determine her growth. IUGR was being discussed, as she was measuring 33 weeks and weighing 5lbs 1oz.

We never made it to the 37 week growth ultrasound. On Sunday December 27, 2009 I was allowed off bed rest. My urge to clean took over and I was scrubbing down bathtubs, straightening up Hannah’s room, and just enjoying being off the couch. This is when my absolutely true labor started. All night I was in pain. My back ached. I never experienced the belly pain, as I had back labor. The way she was positioned took a toll on my back and tail bone. I had contractions all night long, but I was used to these contractions, I had been having them since I was 29 weeks pregnant. But, I felt different and a little “off.” So, I decided to make an appointment on Monday morning to get checked out.

Monday: December 28, 2009: I was examined by a midwife where she discovered I was now 4cm 90% effaced. I was (of course) sent home and told to drink plenty of fluids and relax. I did as I was told and still had contractions that were 10-15 minutes apart lasting 60 seconds. My husband and I decided to take a walk to see if anything would happen, although this probably wouldn’t have been advised by a doctor since I was only 36 weeks 1 day. I was left miserable, in pain, and wanting to die.

Tuesday: December 29, 2009: Decided to go to the OB again and get checked out, I was in miserable pain and wanted relief ASAP. I discovered I was 5-6cm 100% effaced and told we were having a baby TODAY. We were excited, I was trying to pull my pants up and rush out the door. I wanted to get to the hospital and have our little Hannah. I went through the same routines of undressing, putting on the ugly gown, and peeing in a cup. I was strapped up to the monitor where they couldn’t see ONE contraction. Where I was in back labor and all the pain was in my back, not one contraction would pick up on the screen, so I was told to count them/monitor them. The contractions were 10 minutes apart lasting 60 seconds still. I was told to lay there in the bed (my gosh the worst advice ever when your back is killing you) and relax. I wasn’t allowed to do anything to progress labor and neither were the doctors. GREAT! I laid there for 17 hours in pain, wouldn’t take any pain meds/sleeping pills as I didn’t want to harm my little girl. I was released at 8 a.m. on December 30, 2009 at 6cm 100% effaced. I went home, took two Tylenol PMs and slept.

Wednesday: December 30, 2009: I slept most of the day, laid on the couch, drank plenty of water. I was using a heating pad on my back because I couldn’t tolerate the pain anymore. The contractions were very inconsistent and I was just sleeping them off. My husband decided to go to the grocery store, because it was snowing and we needed food. My mom and I relaxed on the couches and watched T.V. as I tried to breathe in between contractions. I decided to go lay down at 10:00 p.m. and sleep everything off. I went to go pee and something felt weird, I felt a pop when I was peeing. I got scared and went to the bed to lay down. I got back up because I still felt like I had to pee. I was peeing and I stood up and started to get panicky. I prayed. I said, “God, I don’t know if I am in labor or not, please give me a sign Lord, for I am scared.” Boom. I started leaking water all down my legs. I started waddling through the hallway yelling at my mom. My mom is not the person you want with you when a crisis happens, she cannot handle stressful situation. But, I was proud of her and how quickly she acted. I called Labor & Delivery, she called the husband.

Hubby had to leave all the groceries at Wal-Mart, meet us on the interstate, and lead the way to the hospital. I was told once my water broke Hannah could come instantly, I was hysterical, hubby was trying to calm me down. The roads were slick and there was that stupid full moon. We missed the exit and had to turn around..

(Side note: My mom was here during all of this and she kept saying we would have Hannah during the full moon which was on the 31st. I kept saying “If I hear one more thing about that stupid full moon I am going to scream!”)

How do mom’s do it? How do they clean house, take care of children, and work? My goodness, I only take care of an infant and I don’t even have time to shower, or brush my teeth. I was wondering today, “How do mom’s even have time to blog?” I know how, they sacrifice something very important to write down a few words. This is what I’m doing right now. I’m sacrificing my sleep, my eating, and my personal hygiene to write a post. Kudos to you mom bloggers out there who have enough sanity to blog daily. I admire your work ethic, I admire your determination, most importantly I admire your skills!

I don’t even see how my husband can find me sexy anymore. My new wardrobe is nursing camis with leaky spots around the nipple area and vomit all down my back. My hair is moisturized with vomit, my pants have nice poop stains on them. And he still finds me attractive? PSHT. He is just saying that to make me feel better. I cannot even find myself attractive when I haven’t brushed my hair in days and I stink. Dude, do I seriously stink.

I am exhausted. No, I do not have a schedule, I just go with the flow. I feed on demand, change diapers on demand, and sleep on demand. I find it easier for me to do what she wants me to do, because she’s her own little person. From day one, she has made the decisions and for now that is okay with me.

Please be patient with me when it comes to my blogging. I thought I’d be able to write daily about poop, pee, and how joyful it is to sleep 14 hours straight at night with my little girl. Boy, was I ever wrong.

I received the MilkSaver in the mail, finally. I would have to say, it’s nothing like I thought it was. The MilkSaver is bulky. I knew it wouldn’t be discreet under my size B cup bra. But, I gave it the benefit of the doubt and tested it out. First off, the MilkSaver comes with a case that can be used for storage, or used as a stand for your milk once you collect it. The MilkSaver is kind of a hard plastic material, which makes it uncomfortable at times underneath your bra. I thought it was a flimsy, gel-like material. I was right, the MilkSaver is definitely not discreet under my bra. My bra doesn’t even cover it up. The MilkSaver sticks out about 2-3 inches on the top of my bra. I bought the MilkSaver to collect milk, not for “prettiness.” The MilkSaver is perfect at collecting the milk, I have been able to collect 1/2oz of milk during each feeding session. I did not have any problems with removing the MilkSaver and losing any milk, like I did with the Medela Breast Shells. Overall, I would recommend the MilkSaver only to people who are in serious need of every last drop of milk (like me!). I do not recommend the MilkSaver to anyone who has small boobs/bra sizes, because you will not be able to wear the MilkSaver in public. Worn underneath your shirt, you will look like you have a massive size D cup boob and one small A-B cup boob. Plus, it’s not that comfortable. The MilkSaver is kind of pricey at $32.90, when you can purchase the Medela Breast Shells for only $12.99 at Babies ‘R Us (and it helps with flat/inverted nipples).

I don’t know what day it is half the time. I am so exhausted. I cannot wait to go see the lactation consultant tomorrow, I hope my boobs are producing the milk she needs and I hope they will tell me that I don’t have to pump after every feeding anymore. It will make life so much easier. I love the lactation consultant here (it’s free!). They have this special scale where you weigh your baby before feeding and weigh your baby after feeding and it will let you know how much milk your baby is getting from each boob. Last time, I only got 20cc’s from the right boob and 10cc’s from the left. And with all the leaking I do while breastfeeding, I got 5ccs from a leaky boob. That still wasn’t enough for her, she needed 45cc’s each feeding because of her weight. Now, my milk is more established and I feel like she is getting way more than what she was. She is getting 6 dirty diapers a day and over 10 wetties. This is a great indicator that she is getting all the milk she needs. I am going to also talk to the lactation consultant about weaning Hannah from the nipple shield in two weeks. Breastfeeding will be so much easier without everything I am having to do right now.

Now, for the leaky boobs. No one ever told me that I would leak like a cow while breastfeeding. I was using a breast shell to gather up all the milk I was making, but with the design, I was ending up with more milk on my bra/clothes after removing it than I was in the shell. This is probably because of the shape of my nipples. I don’t want to talk about the shape of my nipples, but it has caused me to lose a lot of milk in the shell. I recently ordered the MilkSaver and waiting for it to arrive. I really hope this works because the milk I am losing is valuable milk. For the past few days, I have been just catching the milk in a nursing pad or trying to get the nipple to stop leaking. Either way, this is frustrating.

I think Hannah is going through a growth spurt. She is eating like every hour (sometimes every 45 minutes) and she isn’t sleeping too well. I think she’s using the breast for comfort, because after feedings she will still want the boob. She doesn’t actively suck, she’ll do “comfort sucking” for a few minutes. So, we have introduced the pacifier and she loves it. I hope it helps from now on. I’m exhausted from not getting any sleep during the day or the night, but I’m slowly getting used to it. She isn’t getting much sleep either, she’s only sleeping 45 minutes at a time (if that). I think it’s because she hates sleeping in the same place, which is currently the bassinet in our bedroom. We are testing different areas, like her crib, the bouncer and car seat.

We have been parents for 12 days, we are still learning. We never thought we’d be going through 20+ diapers a day. Our little girl has “wet farts” all the time where she actually has poop streaks. She does this more than five times a day, plus pooping and peeing after every feeding. It is a very expensive habit, that’s for sure.

Hannah Grace was born on December 31, 2009 at 9:40 a.m. She weighed 5lbs 1oz and was 19 inches long. She was 3 weeks 3 days early. Therefore, she is considered a late preemie. She did very well, she didn’t have to be put on oxygen, she was able to room with us, and no trips to the NICU. Me, on the other hand, was left sore and miserable for 24 hours after delivery. No one ever tells you the process of birth/delivery and the after affects. If you ever watch Baby Story on TLC, it’s NOTHING like that. We spent 48 hours in the hospital due to her being a preemie, during this time, we were trying to get her to breastfeed, but not having any success with latching, so I spent many hours pumping (and still do to this day!) Since she was born early, she didn’t have her sucking reflexes. Therefore I have to use a nipple shield during feedings, but it’s okay with me, because she is getting the best milk out there. I have to use the shield until she would’ve been 39 weeks gestation, then wean her from it. I was afraid my milk wouldn’t come in, but it did on the third day (and engorgement sucked). Since she has been home, she was on a biliblanket for 3 days, her levels finally dropped. She sleeps 2-3 hours a night, sometimes an hour and a half. I feed, then pump, so I spend approximately an hour and a half a night feeding then I get an hour and a half sleep before she wakes up. But, the funny thing is, my body handles it pretty well. It’s like women are designed to have zero sleep. Hubby has been a God send. His “maternal” instincts kicked in immediately. He was changing diapers in the hospital, taking care of me and her, and has been doing a wonderful job at home. He cooks, cleans, and does everything. Although, I am going to be sad when He has to return back to work soon. Since delivery I lost 17lbs (WAHOO), only a few more to go. My belly has gone down dramatically, thanks to breastfeeding and pumping. Sometime after I get lots of sleep and can function again, I will write up my labor story to prepare those who are currently pregnant. Yes, I will go into the juicy details, because it is something every expectant mother needs to know.

Motherhood is great, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I guess I’m a mommy blogger now